Hello fuckfaces, here’s the write-up for the week:
🅿️ower Rankings
1. ElJefe2198 (5-2) ➖
I really don’t need to write much on this sunglasses selling fucker’s team. Just two names: Ekeler and Jacobs. Baby Cock’s team has scored 160pts three times. Absolutely ridiculous. Praying on your downfall BC 🙏.
2. Lights, Camera, Jackson (6-1) ➖
Scoring 129 points without your best player in Justin Jefferson is very impressive. Stevenson said fuck Damien Harris and Tiktok Boy JuJu went crazy against the 49’ers defense, who’s name they got from the amount of points they wanted to hand Mahomes and the Chiefs. In an alternate reality in which I don’t win this league, I would like a Bryan x Christian final for sure (with Shaffy Jr. being the victor, of course).
3. Deshaun’s Happy Endings (5-2) ➖
Mark Andrews got more rushing yards this week than receptions or receiving yards. Kenyan Drake is a baby back bitch who averaged 0.5 YPC. Why I did not demote myself will be explained further down the rankings, but trading away Herbert to his rightful owner may have given my team a well-needed boost. The losing ends here.
4. Trummieee (3-4) ➖
I expressed my concerns with Javi’s RB room a few weeks ago, and it finally came to bite him today. AJ Dillon does not belong in an RB2 spot on any fantasy team, and his 1.5 pts showed for it. With a solid RB, Chief would’ve won this week. The sole reason I refuse to drop him in the rankings is Josh Allen’s return from the bye, which may have tipped the scale in his favor if he were to play during last week’s fantasy matchup.
5. Shaffy’s Shooters (4-3) 🔺 1
Shaffy’s Shooters were able to find their shot this week after an abysmal week 6. I hate myself for dropping Kenneth Walker early in the season, but I couldn’t have predicted Rashad Penny to get Mortal Kombat’ed a few weeks ago. Shaffman should book a flight to Seattle to kiss his feet for saving his team. Kittle has awakened from his nap, JT is providing solid points, and Evans remains a solid WR1. With 6 teams in solid playoff contention, Shaffman cannot afford too many more losing weeks.
6. I Cum Swiftly (5-2) 🔻1
Now you must be asking, why is a 5-2 team this low in the rankings, after a win nonetheless? The answer is that the Krispy Kreme General Hospital has been fully booked with the roster of Ross’s team. Breece Hall turned his ACL into a Laffy Taffy, and Njoku’s and Williams’ ankles made U-Turns on Sunday. The outlook for the Breadmaster is grim, with 2 games in a row against Bryan and Christian. Look for Ross to be deep in the waiver wire this week.
7. ATL Boof Burners (3-4) ➖
Our toilet bowl low scorer of the week had Joe Shiesty go for 40 pts and get no help from the rest of the ATL potheads besides Kelce. 6 of his starters combined for only 26 points, scoring a team-low 82 points this week. With CMC being traded to SF, Jeff Wilson is now worthless. Damien Harris has been demoted to RB2 with Stevenson’s continued success in NE. Dalvin Cook returns this week, so hopefully Jason’s RB room gets some scoring this week.
8. The Abbolievers (1-6) ➖
With Kirktober on bye, Aaron Fraudgers took Cousins’ place again, only scoring 16 points against the Washington Commies. Playing the BC’s team is a tough endeavor, so CMC scoring 8 points won’t help beat the Monstars. I do think Splashman can possibly make a run at the playoffs with a relatively weak schedule remaining ahead of him, but that relies on McCaffrey having high production in SanFran for the rest of the season.
9. Israeli Habibis (2-5) 🔺 1
Did I not tell y’all this was coming? Simon earned himself a much needed win after 4 straight losses. Funny enough, this was actually his lowest scoring week of the season, but he still managed to get the dub. CeeDeez Nuts was only able to score 10 points against the nonexistent Detroit defense, but I see him getting back into rhythm with system QB Dak Prescott back in action. His lack of scoring is obviously still very concerning, but the Habibis earn a bump up with the W.
10. 2 Girls 1 Kupp (1-6) 🔻1
I can finally say something I’ve been waiting for years to proclaim: BRADY IS WASHED. Dummy chose to give up his insanely hot supermodel wife and making out with his prebubescent children only to lose to the fucking Carolina Panthers with no skill players LMFAOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO. Back to Martin’s team, he has only been able to surpass 115 points once this season in his only win versus the Abbolievers. James Robinson’s revival in the Jets offense might provide some scoring, but that won’t be consistent on a weekly basis. Seems like the Super Bowl hangover exists in fantasy as well.
🚨 UPSET OF THE WEEK 🚨 Record: 2-1
Last Week: Israeli Habibis (2-5) vs. ATL Boof Burners (3-4) ✅
ZIVSTRADOMUS IS BACK BITCHES. After having a 65% chance of winning coming into MNF, the Patriots shit the bed with 4 pts combined from Harris/Folk.
This Week: Israeli Habibis (2-5) vs. Lights, Camera, Jackson (6-1)
This is MY HOTTEST TAKE TO DATE. I chose this matchup instead of Martin’s team as a much easier choice for a reason. Murray is bound to cook the sorry Kirktober Vikings, let alone Zeke against the fucking Bears (yesterday was a huge fluke). Ettiene finally has the Jags backfield to himself, and newly acquired Jeudy is trending upward. Don’t say I didn’t tell y’all.
🔒 WEEKLY LOCK 🔒 Record: 2-1
Last Week:
Ziv ML (-140): Lost (Pain) ❌
BC2198 O132.5 (-110): 160 pts (Wtf……) ✅
NOTE: BRYAN WILL NOT BE INCLUDED IN THE WEEKLY LOCKS UNTIL HE LOSES, TOO EASY OF A PICK
This Week:
TRUMMIEEE ML (-120): Mixon and Chase about to send the Browns to the dog pound, I expect 55+ points combined from them.
Ross U124.5 (-110): Sleeper is on some CRACK, no chance Ross cracks even 110 points this week.
$10 parlay to win $15 (+150)
Good luck as always gentlemen.
