Hello fuckers, here is your week 7 write-up:
🅿️ower Rankings
1. ElJefe2198 (4-2) 🔺1
As much as it hurts to write this, the Sunglass Hut man himself has been on an absolute tear since starting 0-2, averaging 142 points a week, earning two top scorer awards on the way. This week he managed to put up 136 pts without the Raider duo on a bye. Managers should be terrified of playing this team in the playoffs.
2. Lights, Camera, Jackson (5-1) 🔺1
Saquads continued on his RB1 journey this week, averaging 20 pts a game so far this season. Rhamondre Stevenson tore the Browns DEF a new bootyhole, scoring 2TDs. The consistency of this team is going to be tough to beat.
3. Deshaun’s Happy Endings (5-1) 🔻 2
All empires fall down eventually, but losing in the fashion I did this week to Foolberg of all people has been an agonizing experience. Even though I was missing 3 starters, scoring 63 points is unacceptable. Dobbins gets a pass since he was injured mid-game. But I have already put APBs out for my WRs, and when I find them we’re running 100 suicides.
4. Trummieee (3-3) 🔺1
With a week off from the agony the Raiders have provided Chief, TRUMMIEEE was this week’s top scorer with great games from his WRs and is trending upwards. However, there is reason for worry about the ability of the team to consistently produce points, relying on AJ Dillon and Darrell Henderson as the RB2/3.
5. I Cum Swiftly (4-2) 🔺1
(LOTS OF HATERADE INCOMING) This is the most undeserving bump up of the rankings so far, more on that in a minute. Managing a measly 111pts this week, Ross was able to pull off a win against Shaffy’s Shooters, who missed all their shots en route to a 90 pt fantasy showing. Ross should be flying to Detroit right now to ensure that Swift returns after a bye week to give his team some well needed scoring. How this team is 4-2 is beyond me, averaging the third-least points per week.
6. Shaffy’s Shooters (3-3) 🔻 2
The absence of pirate-leg Keenan Allen has caused Shaffman to make some rash decisions, electing to start Jacobi Meyers (receiving passes from the next white heir in NE) rather than the WR1 on Aaron Rodgers’ team. Kittle decided to show up at the worst of times, costing the win with his presence on the bench after 1.7 points from Higbee. Trading away Lenny Fournette and Amari Cooper for a banged-up JT looks like a rough decision right now, but maybe Taylor decides to pop off after returning from injury.
7. ATL Boof Burners (3-3) ➖
(PAINNNNNN) I should be ashamed losing to a team with 2.3 points combined from their WR/RB2. Jason managed to score only 105pts, which would be a loss on 90% of weeks. Garrett Wilson (WHO??) and Rondale Moore will just not cut it on a weekly basis, especially with DHop coming back in ARI. Trading Kelce away for a better core should be a consideration on Jason’s mind.
8. The Abbolievers (1-5) 🔺1
Apparently Malik didn’t believe in Kirktober, electing to put Cousins on his bench for his father Aaron Rodgers. Not that it would’ve made a difference, as SF let Marcus Mariota and the Falcons score 28 on them. Melvin Gordon couldn’t run straight into a gap to save his life, and Aaron Jones got nothing against a strong NE run defense. The Abbolievers are in trouble if they don’t find their rhythm soon.
9. 2 Girls 1 Kupp (1-5) 🔻1
I couldn’t have been more wrong about my UOTW, as Tom Brady was too busy daydreaming about making out with his kids instead of scoring TDs against a sorry PIT defense. James Robinson’s lack of carries didn’t help Martin’s cause either, only getting 12 carries. CEH and Drake London have fallen back down to Earth after unexpected strong starts to the season. Time is running out on the reigning champ’s team to return to the playoffs this year.
10. Israeli Habibis (1-5) ➖
Simon was able to pull off the trade of the season, exchanging JT for two starters. Even though he lost this week, I see Simon’s team improving in the coming weeks with the return of Prescott and Renfrow, who I believe is bound to pop off in the coming weeks. However, it is now or never for this team to have a chance of making the playoffs this season.
🚨 UPSET OF THE WEEK 🚨 Record: 1-1
Last Week: 2 GIRLS 1 KUPP (1-5) vs. ELJEFE2198 (4-2) ❌
Yikes, my prediction was way off this week. TB12 lost to a Kenny Two-Glove Pickett/Slime MVP Mitch Trubisky combo. That’s all that needs to be said.
This Week: Israeli Habibis vs ATL Boof Burners
Simon’s team has been retooled with Taylor’s departure, and with Jason’s team struggling to score on a weekly basis, Simon is bound to win this week.
🔒 WEEKLY LOCK 🔒 Record: 2-0
Last Week:
Christian ML (-170): Won ✅
Shaffman U128.5 (-110): 90 pts ✅
This Week:
Ziv ML (-140): No JJettas for Shaffy Jr. and the return of Derrick Henry and Danny Dimes Carlson should give me the win.
BC2198 O132.5 (-110): Raiders power team coming off a bye, and Olave returning from injury should make this easy.
$10 parlay to win $23 (+230)
After providing free money to those who have used my insane betting acumen, I have lowered the betting amount to $10 max.
Good luck this week ladies, you’ll need it
