Sup twats, here’s the write-up for the week.
🅿️ower Rankings
1. ElJefe2198 (6-3) ➖
I despise having to Apple Pay this dingdong $10 almost weekly at this point. This fool pulled a Dr. Strange on draft night and found the one possible outcome out of 14,000,605 in which he drafts a great team. He’s got FIVE Flex players that are top 20 in average points per week and the #2 fantasy leader Daddy Patty Mahomes. He is the clear favorite to be the champ this season. If this fucker manages to lose this season in a Buffallo Bills fashion, I am throwing a parade down Biscayne Blvd with a final destination of Sunglass Hut in Bloomingdales. Heavily praying on his downfall per usual 🙏🏻
2. I Cum Swiftly (7-2) 🔺 1
Speaking about insane unlikely scenarios, the Breadmaster is 7-2 and second seed… I can’t believe I’m typing this right now. Winner of five straight, Ross has managed to average a mere 116 fucking points on his streak, while I get raped by top scorers on a weekly basis. HIS FUCKING TOP SCORER WAS THE PATRIOTS DEFENSE WHAT THE FUCK!!!!!! I commend Toss for his fantastic record, but if I’m honest he is only this high up here as a commodity. Scoring less than 120 points weekly is just not going to get it done come playoff time when all the byes are behind us.
3. Lights, Camera, Jackson (7-2) 🔻 1
A little roast session incoming: my guy Christian traded away Daddy Prescott for James Conner, only to bench him when his RB1 is on a bye, opting to start Deon Jackson (WHO?????) instead. Not only did he not heed my advice to not accept the trade, he kept him cozy on the sideline to lose by three points. Back to reality, his team is still very good. Tiktok Boy is starting to shape into a consistent WR1, and Barkley has been a monster all year. I am slighly concerned about his depth, but if the team stays healthy he can definitely make his way to championship week.
4. Deshaun’s Happy Endings (5-4) ➖
Four losses in a row and I’m not demoting myself? You’re goddamn fucking right. While I’m still sore from the anal assault Joe Mixalot gave me this Sunday, the Chilean two steps below me did not impress this week, while I continue to be sexually abused by top scorers on a weekly basis (340 FUCKING POINTS ON MY DOME IN TWO WEEKS). I managed to score 127 points (4th most this week) without Chubby Cock and my daddy Mark Andrews this week, and I’m STILL in playoff position. Prepare thy anuses for when I collect all the infinity stones and snap my fingers and vanish y’all to the shadow realm.
5. Trummieee (4-5) 🔺 1
So long for my take on Javi’s team last week. Mixon for sure hit up DHop last week and juiced up with some PEDs as he produced the second best fantasy week of all time, scoring 5 TDs en route to 55 fantasy points. Old Fart Cordarelle also returned in the role of a power back, punching in two TDs with only 44 yards on the ground. If Javi manages to win 4 of his last 5 games, I can see him making the playoffs as the fourth seed. No one will want to face his team in the playoffs with a healthy Ja’Marr Chase.
6. Shaffy’s Shooters (5-4) 🔻 1
LMFAOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO. This bunan only managed to put up 109 points this week, while St. Candice’s Hospital admitted Jonathan Taylor and Kaka Allen for another week with terminal ligma (RIP) . Starting Khalil Herbert as the RB2 is fucking hilarious to me, since he’s the RB2 on his own team. Cupcake Mike Evans got clamped by his father Jalen Ramsey, and Harrison Butker lived up to his name by kicking so ass, missing a FG and XP. It is going to be a very tight playoff race after a TRUMMIEEE win this week, so either JT learns how to play football again or this team is fucked.
7. ATL Boof Burners (4-5) 🔺 2
In yet another instance of fantasy football insanity, Jason squeezed out a W this week with only 109 points scored (WHAT DO I HAVE TO DO MAN FUCKKKKKK). AJ Dildo only rushed for 34 yds, and Cook was indeed cooked against a strong Washington defensive front. Somehow Jason is only 2 games out of playoff positioning, but I would not bank on that scenario occuring. Fantasy is very RB heavy, and only picking up one halfback in five rounds is not a path to success.
8. Israeli Habibis (3-6) 🔺 2
After waving the white flag midweek in typical French fashion, Simon was this week’s TEAM3, putting up 131 points. Travis Ettienne has been an absolute beast, with top 8 RB weeks 3 games in a row. Goedert had his best game of the year as TE1, and the real Captain Kirk put up 22 pts. It is not over until the fat lady sings, and I haven’t even warmed up my vocal chords yet. While highly improbable, an 8-6 record may be enough to make the playoffs this year, so never say never.
9. The Abbolievers (2-7) 🔻 2
Looks like Kirktober is over 💀. 22 for 40? I definitely don’t like that. Kirk hate aside, Malik’s team sold him bad this week. Both Aarons in GB played like ass this week, and Dontae Foreman slowed down after an RB5 showing the week priot. Higbee got accepted at his new job at the LAX Krispy Kreme, producing a donut while only being targeted once. Even McCaffrey couldn’t have saved Splashman this week, and I believe that his playoff hopes are now over, as he will need an absolute miracle to run the table in Rodgers style to even get close to contention.
10. 2 Girls 1 Kupp (2-7) 🔻 2
How the mighty have fallen. Our champ will not reign supreme for a second season, as I believe he is almost mathematicaly eliminated from the playoffs. Justin Fields record breaking rushing performance was all for naught, as child predator Thomas Brady only put up 15 points in the QB slot. Relying on Jacobi Meyers and CEH on a weekly basis is just not a recipe for fantasy success. RIP Horsecock’s 2022 season.
🚨 UPSET OF THE WEEK 🚨 Record: 2-3
Last Week: No Upset ❌
Going 2 for 5 on picks is pretty trash, big L this week for sure.
This Week: Abbolievers (2-7) vs. I Cum Swiftly (7-2)
It’s time for the frauds to be exposed. White Chocolate is coming back from bye, and Ross’s top scorer Pats Def (LMFAOOO) is off this week. This is the most confident upset I’ve had this season.
🔒 WEEKLY LOCK 🔒 Record: 3-2
Last Week:
BC2198 ML (-120): Unfortunately, this was a cake bet. ✅
Ziv O120.5 (-110): Even though I lost, I still managed to put up 127 points. ✅
This Week:
TRUMMIEEE ML (+110): No Mixon? No problem. Assuming Allen plays, he is going to cook the Minnesota defense this week. Expect 30+ points from him.
Shaffman U132.5 (-110): I’m giggling typing this. They got Jalen Hurts projected for 26, Najee for 13, and Pirate Keenan for 14? FOH LMAOOOOOOOO. EZ LOCK.
$10 parlay to win $16 (+160)
Good luck as always gentlemen.
